How can I help my child with their anxiety?
And how do I know if my child is anxious?
Anxiety can manifest in many ways, it can feel like fear, nervousness, apprehension or extreme worry. It’s usually considered to be a feeling that is out of proportion to the situation or stressor.
As adults, many of us struggle with anxiety, and it can be hard to cope with. In turn, helping our children with their anxiety when we are feeling anxious too can be especially hard. But, it’s never too late to learn tips and tools to help manage and lessen anxious feelings.
A helpful first step to help your child with anxiety is to explain to them why we feel anxiety, and how it works in our bodies.
You might say something like this . . .
“Anxiety is a part of our survival instinct from caveman days. It is a warning of danger – such as a predator is close by and our options are to run, freeze, or fight to survive. Our body goes on high alert, adrenaline makes our heart pump faster, our face gets hot, and our limbs may tremble. Once the danger has passed our body ‘resets’ and we can calm down. But sometimes we stay on high alert, even when there is no longer anything to fear. This means our brain is working too hard to protect us and is switching on the panic button by mistake.”
Key concepts for your child to understand about anxiety
Anxiety is normal and everyone experiences it from time to time.
Our bodies prepare us for danger, which can feel uncomfortable, but nothing is actually wrong with us. Those physical symptoms, like feeling hot or having a fast-beating heart, will disappear once our mind sends the message to our body that the danger has passed.
We can control our anxiety by learning how to control the ‘panic switch’ so it doesn’t go off so easily. We can train our brains to worry less.
Anxiety is like a wave - it can build up and then ebb away. Many people need to ask for help to make it go away.
As adults we may have forgotten the many things that caused us anxiety as children and may even feel our own children have a relatively stress-free life. But to a child, moving homes or schools or meeting new people can be a significant threat to their emotional wellbeing. Normally this fear dissipates once the child becomes familiar with the new situation but sometimes the worry and anxiety are ongoing. Anxiety can also be caused by everyday events such as having no one to sit next to on the school bus, a favourite friend moving away, or a scary encounter with a neighbour’s dog.
It is important to rule out any physical reasons for anxiety, such as heart or lung conditions, digestion problems or hormone irregularities.
Parents should also be aware when your child’s anxiety is more concerning – that is it goes beyond normal, transitory childhood anxiety. This is when your child’s anxiety has become overwhelming and is preventing them from participating in normal day-to-day activities. If they express a sense of hopelessness or depression, you should seek help from a mental health professional. The first point of call is your general practitioner.
Signs of anxiety to look out for when your child . . .
Gets very emotional over little things.
Is overly clingy, stays close to family members.
Seeks repeated reassurance.
Doesn’t want to go to school or other activities.
Is very risk averse.
Wants you to do things for them all the time.
Seems overly negative and pessimistic.
Complains of illnesses that may be invented.
Doesn’t like to sleep alone or has a lot of trouble sleeping.
Has numerous fears.
Is excessively shy.
Lacks confidence and gets easily overwhelmed.
If your child is exhibiting any or several of these behaviours, it is possible anxiety has become a problem for them. Fortunately, there are proven strategies for children to learn to manage their anxiety, many of which involve practical self-care.
Firstly, it’s crucial for your child to challenge their negative thinking. Have them visualise their anxiety as a dark cloud above them, which they can either feed with anxious thoughts to make it grow and grow, or they can think positively, to help the cloud become smaller and eventually disappear.
Things you can do to help your child be less anxious
Encourage your child to examine their fears. Encourage them to be a scientist and ask questions. Are their feelings based on facts or a guess? Is it helpful to think that way? Will it make them feel better?
Encourage them to talk kindly to themselves, as they would to a friend. Am I being overly critical? Am I being unfair?
Answer the question ‘What if?’. What if I fail the test? I can re-sit it.
Make a conscious effort to think and speak calmly and kindly about situations, people and yourself. It is good for your mood and your brain.
Remind them that brave people get anxious, just like everybody else. What makes them brave is they do the scary things, anyway, despite their anxiety.
Don’t add your anxiety into the mix. Stay calm when your child gets anxious. If you’re feeling anxious or their anxiety is making you more anxious - take a moment to calm yourself first before comforting them. We know this is easier said than done!
Make sure your child get opportunities to face their fears gradually.
Help them figure out just what is worrying them, and if it’s justified, or is only a feeling. Also ask ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’.
Encourage them to be independent – it will boost their confidence. Encourage your child to stop avoiding the things that frighten them.
Understand their anxious behaviour is communication so you need to get to the bottom of what’s bothering them.
Give them lots of praise when they do something anyway, despite their fears.
Make a plan – being prepared brings anxiety down to size. Have a ‘what to do when I’m anxious’ list. It can include things like: breathe deeply and slowly, run around a field, jump on a trampoline, hug mum or dad, train your brain to be in the present (name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing your can taste). Lie on your bed and read a favourite book, or listen to kids’ meditation podcast, or do some kids’ yoga.
Is my child just anxious?
If you’re wondering if your child is just worried rather than anxious, here are some of the key differences. Also note, that excessive worrying is a key component of anxiety.
Worry tends to be specific to a particular event or concern. Anxiety is more generalised.
Worry can lead to problem-solving, whereas anxiety tends to incapacitate the individual.
Worry is often more temporary and dissipates once the event is passed, or the issue is resolved.
Worry can be based on realistic concerns, whereas anxiety can be exaggerated or irrational.
Worry is generally confined to thoughts, whereas anxiety usually comes with physical symptoms – stomach aches, fast-beating heart, weak limbs.
You might also find the resources below useful, which includes books from the IHC Library as well as helpful website and helpline numbers. Or contact the IHC library direct to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email: Librarian@ihc.org.nz.
Kids’ Books from the IHC Library
Aroha’s Way – A children’s guide through emotions– Craig Phillips (Maori language version is also available).
Please explain anxiety to me! Simple Biology and Solutions for Children and Parents – Lauri Zelinger and Jordan Zelinger, illustrated by Elisa Sabella
Hey Awesome – A book for kids about anxiety, courage and already being awesome – Karen Young, illustrated by Norvile Davidonyte
Hey Warrior – A book for kids about anxiety– Karen Young, illustrated by Norvile Davidonyte
The Kids’ Guide – Dealing with anxiety – Sarah Stevens and Scott Garrett
Books for Adults from the IHC Library
Worry-Proofing Your Anxious Child – Bev Aisbett
The No Worries Guide to Raising Your Anxious Child – A Handbook to Help You and Your Anxious Child Thrive – Karen Lynn Cassiday
Overcoming Anxiety in Children & Teens– Jed Baker
Healthy Mindsets for Little Kids – A resilience programme to help children aged 5-9 with anger, anxiety, attachment, body image, conflict discipline, empathy and self-esteem – Dr. Stephanie Azri, illustrated by Sid Azri
Helping Your Child with Worry and Anxiety– Ann Cox
How to Parent Your Anxious Toddler – Natasha Daniels
Starving the Anxiety Gremlin – A cognitive behavioural therapy workbook on anxiety management for children aged 5-9
Helpful websites:
Helplines:
Anxiety New Zealand: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
1737: Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Depression.org.nz: 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Kidsline (for people up to 18 years): 0800 543 754
Whats Up (for 5 to 18-year-olds): 0800 942 8787
thelowdown.co.nz , Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)